she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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