There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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