My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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