turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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