My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
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Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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