I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
