If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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