I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
