hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.