All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
