I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
