Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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