8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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