Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
