I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
