Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
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its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.