My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.