just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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