Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
