Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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