My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize