im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
