His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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