I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize