even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
