i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
