I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
