I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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