God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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