Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
