I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
