Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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