my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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