We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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