god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
