I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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