I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
