So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In other news, I just burned my penis
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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