His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
