i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
