Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
