sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.