Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
