I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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