i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
