I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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