Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
