I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
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new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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