Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
