So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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