Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
